Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder

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Lying fully nude with his wrists and ankles tied to the corners of his hotel room bed, an intense, sweat-drenched Paul Ryan reportedly told his staffers today that the only way he could prepare for Thursday night’s vice presidential debate was if they slapped his naked, bound body harder and harder.

Sources confirmed the GOP vice presidential nominee had brought in a specially trained debate coach named Madame Renée, a fiercely conservative dominatrix dressed in a formfitting black corset and thigh-high pleather platform boots, to provide the preparation he requested, ranging from heavy paddling, to rope bondage, to discipline lessons, to employing a testicle-clamping device known simply as “the Humbler.”


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