The KGB Oracle Forums General Public Discussion (SPECIAL) The KGB Back Room Joke Thread

Agreed.
Keep up the momentum!

I have lots more as I get emailed them often lol. I just didnt want to be the one taking over the thred posting them lol

Bah humbug - if they are good....take over the thread by all means.

Blargh! I just spent 30 mins adding all this and my browser crashed so this is attempt 2! LOL hope you enjoy!

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World's First Guy to Guy tip:



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Now remember it's only water, but the poor people floating down the river don't know that.

Click the pic below to watch the short vid!



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A Must Have Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe!

Ingredients:
1 whole turkey
1 large lemon, cut into halves
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer

Heat oven to 350 degrees

Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated.

Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.

Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat;

Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on

each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.


Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue

to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.


If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should

look like the one in the picture.

Bon Appetit!



(ps its a great way to have new in laws talkin forever! lol)

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature and held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly..


In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. 'I can't stand it anymore,' she told him. 'Let's

play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

* He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

* At 70 off came the pants.

* At 75 it was her bra...and

* At 80 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. 'Go to the road and get help,' he said.

'I don't have anything to cover myself with!' she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

'You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,' he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled

over to hear her story.

'My boyfriend! My boyfriend!' she sobs, 'He's stuck and I can't pull him out!'

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,'Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!'

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A boss wondered one day why one of his absent and most valued employees had not phoned in.. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "


"Is your daddy home?" he asked.


" Yes ," whispered the small voice.


"May I talk with him?"


The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

" Yes .."


"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, " No ."


Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".


Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"


" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"


" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"



Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

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INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS


One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service . Soberly, they just stood
together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,


"Which service...the 8:30 or the 11:00?"
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Ok thats all for now, I got lots lots more if you guys liked those ones. Come on now some other people gotta post some!

Dang figured servers would be back up by now >.< So I guess I'll pull up some more while I wait!

Are You Cuckoo?
>
>
> Why women should avoid girls' nights out after they are married...
>
>
> The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I told my
> husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
> Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
>
>
>
> Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
> the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
> Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
> nine times.
>
>
>
> I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
> solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
>
> Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12
> cuckoos = (MIDNIGHT!)
>
> The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
> 'Midnight' He didn't seem angry at all.
> Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
> When I asked him why he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
> times, then said, 'Oh sh*t', cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat,
> cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
> over the coffee table and farted.

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Circumcised (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM..
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How come when you mix water
and flour together


you get glue?..


and then you add eggs
and sugar...

and you get cake?


Where did the glue go ?


NEED AN ANSWER?


You know dammed well where it went!


That's what makes the cake

Stick to your ass
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A teacher in a Detroit , Michigan elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and said:

"Up against the wall mother fucker!"

I guess there's not to many farms in Detroit ....


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BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!


One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !


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Life really boils down
to 2 questions...




1. Should I get a dog.....?



OR...

2. Should I have children?


Now that I made you smile,
pass it on to someone else
who needs a laugh today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just to let you know
I'm thinking of you today.

No matter what situations life throws at you...

No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..

Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You're laughing aren't you?
That's good 'cause my job here is done!

Have a great day and remember to give thanks....


Cats are so dramatic!!
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Well thats way more than enough for today and the dang servers still arent up! Whats taking them so long today?!

lol good ones. I have seen a few of those before but most of them were new to me. Good way to start the day.

I dunno if you guys ever go here but check out www.failblog.org lot's of funny crap. I usually start my morning there.

A Montana rancher got in his pickup
and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied.
"He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your
Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She
went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is
he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few
minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"
the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want
to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher
uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your
brother Howard getting my daughter, Jasmine, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If
it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50
for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

You may have to be from the country to get that, but I think its HILARIOUS!!

Apparantly lol

ROFLMAO